she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
