Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
