Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
