Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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