oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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