Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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