My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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