I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
