apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
And then he peed in my hair
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