I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
