She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
