in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
