you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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