Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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