You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
