My first STD was from a foam party
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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