I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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