I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
