Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize