dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
