Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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