Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
