Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
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I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
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I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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