I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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