i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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