I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.