Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
