we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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