Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Randomize
