don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
