totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
