Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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