If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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