Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
