drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
