she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
