Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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