I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
