it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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