We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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