I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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