Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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