I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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