am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
