the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
