just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I will pee on everything he values.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
