guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
