im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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