Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
