Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
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