i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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