im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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