im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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