tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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