Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
