Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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