Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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